| it is 3am and i cannot get to sleep, i was tired at 10pm but am now unable to fall asleep even though my day in the morning is going to suck so much with all the stuff i need to get done.
my mind is wandering over so many issues as i lay here trying to fall asleep. here are a few of my thoughts.
i still agree with my last post, i have lost a lot of faith in humanity in the past few years and wonder why people in general or just me crave human interaction so much when we are all so selfish and wrong each other all the time. humans are undeniably flawed and i wonder why we are allowed to prosper so much. why were we able to become masters of this world about some other organism? we certainly are a week species when physical attributes are measured. were we really predestined by some god to become supreme over everything around us or did we make a mistake somewhere. if we are out of control, which i believe we are and if there is some god then why are we allowed to continue fucking up? there are so many possibilities with the idea of some god because there is no way to state what a gods goals are. now if we are the result of evolution and not a god then we are some fluke of sorts and will probably be dealt with in the long run, although i do not know if the earth will be left in tack by the time we are weeded out.
i also am wondering about my life. i mean i know there are so many wrong choices i have made and do not have enough time on my laptop to begin to ponder all my questions about decisions i have made and what could have happened or why i made those choices but in the here and now i keep wondering if chemical engineering is the right career for me, i wonder if engineering is even the right field for me. As i get older i realize how little can be acomplished in a lifetime and how little knowledge someone can aquire. there is never enough time for someone to do everything they want to or learn as much as they would like. I wonder if this is really the knowledge I want to spend my life learning and expeirencing.
i worry about my health and appearance. I am overweight due to many factors in my life and i really want to change that. not only because i want to live a longer healthy life but as someone who is overwieght life so very different than that of someone who is fit and/or considered attractive by most modern standards. The differences range from obvious to subtle. For example I obviously cannot compete as well with someone who is in great shape physically, but i accept that. That is my fault for overeating and not exercising enough in my life. I know when it all started and why ect but the past is really the past. I cant do anything about that. Anyway back to things I have noticed. The more subtle things are the looks you get from some people, the tone someone may take, and most importantly how people treat you or do not treat you. Fat people are really one of the last types of attributes that is not considered taboo to ridicule or discriminate against. Sure there are some things you cannot discriminate against like charging someone who is larger more at a buffet ect but there are still plenty of other things. It is not ok by most standards for call someone a name because of their race or gender or religion, In General. It is not really the same case with weight. you hear people call someone terrible things for being fat and no one really cares.
All of this really doenst matter and I am probably rambling but my point is, it is really fucking depressing at times to see how different the world can be because of extra weight. I am still surprised sometimes when i see how much shit a semi attractive person can get away with, especially a girl. On that note it really does suck to try to find a girl being overweight, sure you can compensate some by being funny, or interesting, or rich ect depending on the taste of the female but especially in the beginning all you are to them is the fat guy and some of the reactions are just incredibly offensive. I do try to slim down and not bitch about these kind of things because it is my fault for becoming what I am. It is just depressing i suppose.
I am who i am because of my past and my weight is just one factor of who I am. I am, in general, happy with who I am. I do not think I am a huge jerk most of the time, i feel like I am a decent citizen, likable, intelligent, ect. But I defiantly have my own problems and qualities I wish i didnt have. I am generally a laid back guy and I am beginning to wonder if that is more of a bad quality. I have had people call me blank or empty before. I suppose I just am not as outspoken as i would like to be and honestly i attribute this quality to my weight and appearance due to my weight. It really kills confidence. I over think a lot of stuff and am not impulsive or very spontaneous most of the time. In fact i would have to say I am downright fucking boring. I try to be more entertaining but it is hard to fake that kind of shit when that is the way i think. I do not have a bad personality in my opinion but as it stands I am a person that is just very generic in other peoples eyes. I am bland and ordinary and easy to forget about. I believe I have somehow become just "that guy" you meet but generally forget. There are no qualities that stand out that attract people to get to know me and that is slightly depressing
As I have said before everything affects everything else in life and I think my outlook on relationships and women has be altered by several things. As always my weight has effected this i am sure. My family and how I was raise no doubt is a factor as well as the environment I grew up in, a shitty one in my opinion. But most of all my relationships with women has changed how i think the most. I do not always mean dating wise but I have had some pretty fucked up experiences in my life. I have trouble really caring for someone and I do not know if I am really capable of loving someone. I know it is a terrible thing to say but I do not think i truely love anyone in the world. True i care about my family greatly and a few close friends but my family never really expressed emotion towards each other when I was growing up. It was a family relationship that seemed kind of business like. I am not complaining at all but just giving insight to why I ended up the way I am. When it comes to the opposite sex and dating ect, I have had some good experiences and some bad ones. I have been cheated on by one of who i considred at the time a really close friend, scared shitless girls worrying they were pregnant and been heartbroken to the point on considering suicide. Of course there have been great experiences and memories too but those are harder to convey since they are special to me and would not be understood as well. I did meet girl once who I would have to say has been the only person I have been comfortable saying I loved. Of course with great feelings I got from being in love came the inevitable horrible feelings of loss and emptiness when it was over. I think this may be a lot of the reason why I have troubling truly caring for someone else. I wonder if you really only can love one thing and everything just doesn't compare anymore. I have faced problems in relationships afterwards because of this and wish I was not this way sometimes. I have several other examples and stories I could tell to further explain why I am like I am but in general i just feel like i am empty. I feel like i am just really existing without any great purpose for living. I am not stating this in some dramatic depressed manner but simply stating how i feel. I am not really upset about it all the time but more confused. I am quite a lot and it generally is because i have nothing to say or i am thinking about nothing really. I feel like so much of why i do is mechanical and unnecessary. I know i focus on the opposite gender so much because it at least gives me a hope that maybe that will spark a purpose. If i was dating someone i would have something i enjoyed and had a purpose for but all my other relationships except with the girl i still feel like i loved have just be disappointments to that need of purpose. It is odd how it comes down to purpose. I need some sort of reason to exist and so far have not found a really good one. Sure there are decent and enjoyable reasons to live but nothing necessary. My future job-someone else could fill that spot. Friends-someone else can always entertain them. I think the only time i felt something necessary was when i felt love. It may be a lot different for others but this is how i feel. I have so many other thoughts but I have already scrambled this up enough for now.
much of this entry grammatically flawed but keep in mind that if you actually read this it is now 4am. also some of this may be more than i should have typed but really i don't care. i do not see why i should not be open about what i think about. more to come later probably.
chen
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| It really is odd, people seem to eat up bad news in the world but hate hearing anything other than daises and sunshine from friends. People must want to hear bad news to feel better about themselves or have something to "discuss" or rather pick apart to feel smart but dont want to put the effort into caring for real friends.
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| So apparently UMR has had 3 bomb threats in the past 4 days and I was not notified about this until today(third bomb threat) Granted they were a hoax but I am still disturbed of the lack of notification. I seem to recall a tragedy in Virginia that may have been lessened with better warnings. UMR you fail and I hope you get you shit together. I enjoy my life.
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